SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have you..

A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST. A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE. A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND

Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated? Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

Why dogs don't marry? A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

2 advices to Boys . . Never laugh at your G.F's choices.(You are one of them) . . Never be proud of your choices.. (Your G.F. is one of them

A Blonde calls the Help Desk to complain a computer problem: Blonde : When I type computer password, it just shows star star star star. Whatz the hell ? Help Desk: Mam, those stars are to protect you, so that if a person standing behind you , they can't read your password. . Blonde : Yeah, but stars appear even when there is no one standing behind me.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and ..

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the ..

Always forgive your enemies; nothing else annoys them so much.

Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case, they're nothing.

A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says "Well ma'am, I can't cut your hair with those head-phones on. You're going to have to take them off." She shakes her head vigorously and replies "No, if I take them off, I will die." He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones. All he heard was "Breathe in, breathe out, breath in."

hree blondes are talking about their boyfriends. "It's funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick." "You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard..." They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?" "Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!" "You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good bl**job is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it." She says ..

A man requested a female blonde painter to paint him in the nude. "No" the talented blonde artist said. "I don"t do that sort of thing. "I"ll increase your fee two times," he said. "No, no thanks!!" "I"ll give five times as much as you normally get." Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes."

Man receives telegram: Wife dead -should be buried or cremated? Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

Don't marry the person you want to live with... Marry the one you cannnot live without... But whatever you do, you will regret it later..

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'? Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

Different Phases of a man: After engagement: Superman After Marriage: Gentleman After 10 years: Watchman After 20 years: Doberman

A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST. A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE. A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND

Why dogs don't marry? A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!